Post-Traumatic Growth Archives

May 15, 2018 By Carin Rockind Leave a Comment

What To Do About Anger and Grief

“Just be positive!”

“Smile!”

This is great, but what about when you're in deep pain?
What about when your heart is breaking into a million pieces because your child has cancer?
What about when your veins are pumping fury and rage because your lover left you?
What about when your belly is ill because your company is doing layoffs and rent is due?

What about those very real emotions?
Is there room for Anger and Grief in Happiness?
Yes.

Positive psychology often gets dinged because people think it's “positive thinking.”
It's not.
Positive psychology is the scientific study of HUMAN flourishing, and it's VERY human to feel Anger, Rage, Sadness, Grief, Worry, and more!

These emotions give us information.
They tell us something we're desiring or needing.
They make us act. Anger makes us fight back, Grief makes us protect ourselves.
So we need to feel these feelings to heal.

However, most of us are hanging onto them for too long.
One woman I know has been (understandably) angry about her husband's infidelity for 12 years, even though they're divorced. It's ruined her self-esteem and has made her physically sick. He's having a grand ol' time remarried while she feels bitter, cold and ill. I don't blame her – I'd probably do the same thing. But is it serving her?

Stress emotions were only meant to be in our bodies for 90 seconds in order to produce cortisol and adrenaline, but we're hanging on to Anger and Grief and Worry for YEARS and over time, those healthy short-term hormones because long-term disease.
We have to move the emotion through.
But the world hasn't made it safe to Rage. Angry women are called Nasty Bitches.
The world hasn't made it safe to Grieve either. Sad women are called Emotional Depressives who need medication.
So we bottle it up, put on our happy face and pretend.
But that's when it starts showing up in the body as Dis-Ease – Disease!!
It shows up as weight, as shingles, as anxiety, as depression, as heart attacks and more.

So we need to MOVE the emotion THROUGH us.
Literally scream it out of our lungs!
Cry it out of our eyes!
Shake our bodies free.

I just did this on Sunday. I've shared my fertility journey with you, so first, Happy Mother's Day to all of you moms! And, as you can imagine that Mother's Day was hard for me. I would have been 9 months pregnant right now, ready to welcome my little one. So on Sunday morning, I went into a private room and moved the pain through my body. I screamed and stomped my rage, allowing myself a temper tantrum like a 2 year old. Then I danced slowly to a sad song, allowing myself to grieve my tears. Then I talked to a couple of Soul Sisters to move it through. Then I journaled my desires and tapped into my truth that I am a Goddess of Creation. I birth dreams – my own and my clients'. On Mother's Day, one of my clients who wants to start a wellness business led her first meditaiton class. Another told me she's planning her first art show! I birth dreams. I'm also birthing a book with my agent. I am birthing a new movement to teach healers the science of women's happiness. So I planted a garden – roses and tomatoes and cucumbers and herbs – to BIRTH creation! I then soaked in a warm bath and finished the night dancing about my fertile gorgeous healthy body!

I moved it through!
I share this story with you not for your sympathy, but to share how to work with these very human emotions.
You too have permission to feel it all.

My most recent podcast teaches you how to do this.

It will teach you how to work with anger, sadness, and any “dark” emotion you feel. When we embrace and love our WHOLE selves – our light and dark sides – our fiery sensuality and pure compassion – our intuition and our action – then we are our happiest, best, most purposeful selves!

Enjoy the episode, and please post how you work with painful emotions here on my blog.

With so much love!

XO,
Carin

November 14, 2017 By Carin Rockind 14 Comments

My Miscarriage: How to Heal and Grow at the Same Time

I’m about to get raw and personal and vulnerable because I’ve committed to being real with you. I believe that a woman’s power is in her vulnerability and that we heal when we come together to support one another. And too many women are suffering in silence – whether from depression, challenged marriages, jobs they hate, starting businesses, infertility or cancer, women are trying to do it alone and it doesn’t work.

We need each other to heal and grow, so I dedicate this post to all of you suffering in silence in hopes that you know that you can heal, you can grow, and you can love life again. You can live in both/and.

Two weeks ago, I had a miscarriage.

If you’ve followed me for a while, then you know that I’ve wanted a baby for a long time – ever since my last miscarriage two years ago.

Before then, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a mom. I just wanted to impact women’s lives. I used to say that at my funeral, I would rather hundreds of women say that I changed their lives than one person say that I was her mom.

But then we got pregnant. It was 2015; we had been in Italy for a delayed honeymoon and after several glasses of Pinot Grigio, I said to Josh, “Oh what the heck! Let’s try to have a baby.”

We got pregnant on the first try. At first, I was terrified that I had just ruined my life. But then I was thrilled. Ten little fingers and toes to love, a whole life to witness and support, a soul to nourish with self-love and purpose! Josh and I started looking for a bigger house, we planned our schedule, we played with baby names. I envisioned the baby coming with me on retreats and I became excited about raising a conscious, soulful child.

And then I started spotting. Terrified, we rushed to the ER and while there, I fully released the baby. It was heartbreaking and strangely beautiful as Josh and I held each other. I understood then that I had entered a rite of passage for women.

That pregnancy taught me that I really do want to be a mom, and it helped me help so many other women. Just last month, two clients had miscarriages and I was able to support them through it. I felt like there was a purpose to my miscarriage and I could now be the mom I wanted to be.

But then we weren’t getting pregnant again. Month after month I cried as I got my period and about a year in, we saw a fertility doctor. I hated it every moment of it. He winked at Josh about his “young” sperm count while he sternly told me I was “old.” He tried to push expensive extensive medical procedures on us, scaring me with statistics while I turned into a blubbering mess of tears on the floor of his office.

It felt gross and like I was being used. I knew there had to be a better way.

A friend suggested a nutritionist/yogi/fertility coach and I signed up to work with her right away. With her help, I cleansed my body, went off of caffeine and gluten, started intentional mediation and yoga, and most importantly, I healed old painful wounds. I found myself totally in love with Josh, my stepson, and our life and about a year in, we got pregnant.

It was Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish new year) morning a couple of months ago and my period was late. I was never late, so I knew. I jumped out of bed at 6 am to take a pregnancy test, and sure enough, two lines appeared right away. I woke up Josh with fresh tears in my eyes and a huge grin on my face, “Honey, we did it! We did it!”

We held my belly at synagogue as we prayed about the miraculous new year we were about to have. I started telling the women closest to me, and we again started planning.

But then I again began spotting. It was the day after I found out that the radio show I was on was cancelled. I tried to keep myself calm but it felt like my whole world was crashing down at once. An ultrasound then proved that the baby was gone.

So in one week: no show, no baby, and honestly, I had a moment of feeling like there was no hope.

Then my friends began calling. My college girlfriends left their own young families and flew in from out of state to be with me. Another friend came over to hold me and pet my hair as I cried on her lap. A friend who just had a baby dropped off a care package. Two other friends from out of state ditched a conference to come sit with me. My clients from AWAKEN, my one-year experience to embody the divine feminine, texted me every day. Together, we healed. I felt both devastated and grateful.

Then I started taking care of myself. I got a therapist, I reached out to my synagogue for support, and last week, I went away by myself.

I always talk to you about self-care but until last week, I’m not sure I even knew what that meant. Mani/pedis are awesome, but sometimes, you have to give your soul what it needs to heal and grow. Sometimes, you need to get away, you need space, you need time and no matter what else is going on or how crazy it seems, you need it in order to be the wife/mother/friend/daughter/co-worker/manager/ son/father that you want to be.

So despite my brain’s objections (“You can’t go away now! The show was cancelled and we need to drum up new business!”), I cancelled my appointments and took time and space for me. For 3 days in the woods, I read, I meditated, I took long hikes, I cried, I screamed, I beat the shit out of a tree while yelling “WHY ME??!!”, I napped, I cooked really healthy food, I lit candles, I danced, and I made angels in the fresh snow. For 3 days and 3 nights, I did nothing but self-care and it filled me.

So I share all of this with you now not needing your sympathy, but in the hopes that it heals you.

Whatever you’re suffering from, don’t do it in silence. Don’t just trudge through the days. Allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to lean in to others who can hold you and love you. Allow yourself to care for your tender heart and sweet soul.

And then allow yourself to dream and hope again. That’s what I’m doing and we’ll do it together.

With so much love,
Carin

Following Your Purpose – BONUS to Join me for LAUNCH in London
When I was launching my purpose, I was desperate for someone to take me under her wing and show me what to do. I was eager, I was excited, and I was motivated. I just needed someone to give me the blueprint and I would follow.

But I never found that person, so I made it up on my own. It worked, but it took a lot longer and had a lot more heartache and pain than it needed to. I cried a lot of nights because I didn’t know what to do and I suffered a lot of anxiety attacks because I felt so alone.

But you don’t have to be alone. I will be that mentor for you, as I've done with so many women before you. And I now have a bonus for you to do so.

I’m so excited about my upcoming trip to London where I’m going to speak at one of the most inspiring women’s empowerment events on the planet: The Festival of Doers. I want you to join me so that you can be inspired, get motivated, and create a plan for your purpose in 2018! At my new program Launch, you'll attend the Festival and then get 2 focused days of coaching with me to create a plan for your purpose. And now as a special bonus, I'm paying for your hotel! Click here to get your bonus and learn more about Launch!

September 11, 2017 By Carin Rockind Leave a Comment

Starting Over

Hi friend,

You can start over again.
You can decide that today is a new day.
You can choose what you do and how, no matter what's going on in life.
You can love yourself and your life right now by APPRECIATING WHAT IS.

That's the message that came through loud and clear on my birthday last week. Two days beforehand, I was rushed to the ER, thinking I was having a heart attack. Fortunately, all checked out and I'm super healthy, but it was definitely a wake-up call for me.

It made me ask:

How do I want to live?
What matters most?
What is all this for?

This isn't the first time I've asked these questions, and it probably won't be the last. We go through spirals in life – ups and downs and curves – and we often have to get off track in order to begin again more strongly.

Every moment – even the challenges – is for purpose.

Often, the challenges show us how strong we are, how resourceful, resilient and capable we are. Often, challenges make us appreciate what we have even more.

I've been watching the hurricanes and praying for the survivors, sending money and packages, wondering how people will rebuild everything. And then this weekend I met a family who escaped Miami with nothing but their passports, their wedding photo, and a whole lot of gratitude that they were alive, together, and able to afford to get away. They knew they could start again.

And here we are on 9/11, an anniversary that reminds us of how resilient we are, and shows us that we can not only start over, but that the challenge can empower us to rebuild higher and become stronger.

I was teaching this concept in a workshop at PBS headquarters last week, and we all realized that we have done this in our lives and can do so again. You can do this, too. You can look at any challenge you're having as a catalyst for growth. From going off of your diet, to overwhelm with kids going back to school, to a parent's illness, to abandoning your dream of being a writer, you can start again. You can use it as fuel for growth and let desire consume your mind so that you choose for this to be a moment of purpose.

This is not to minimize the pain or suffering, or to say, “Just get over it.” You must feel all of it, being gentle with yourself and allowing grief. And then you can grow.

Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG) is rising to a new level of functioning as the result of adversity. In other words, it's growing not “despite” challenge, but because of it. Researchers Tedeschi and Calhoun found that we all can experience PTG and not just start again, but start better, stronger, and more alive.

So what challenge are you experiencing? How can it help you grow? Here are a few questions to journal about:

What does this experience show me about my strength and courage?
What do I now appreciate as a result of this?
Which relationships can this help me to strengthen?
What wisdom do I wish I had known? (Said another way, what would I now share with a 20 year old to help them manage this?)
What would it look like to choose a new way?

So my love, what do you need to do this afternoon or tomorrow to start again? How will you choose to treat a new day? What will you promise to love about yourself and your life right now, as is? I'd love to hear from you.

With so much love,
Carin

PS – If you're struggling with overcoming a current or past challenge, email me. It's my honor to do a 30-minute call with you and identify what you want and where the blocks are.

If you want to discover who you are and your true purpose… if you're ready to claim your birthright of joy and self-love, if your heart is calling for transformation this fall, then I invite you to email me now. I can't wait to connect with you!

July 25, 2017 By Carin Rockind Leave a Comment

Don’t Let Your Dreams Die With You

7 years ago, my friend Ed drowned to death, and I couldn't save him. I dedicate this post to him.

It was a beautiful July morning, just 5 weeks before I was heading off to graduate school for Positive Psychology to finally pursue my dreams. My friend Ed had never been on a boat, and had never been in Lake Erie either. I couldn't wait to take him out.

So a week later, he met me at the dock and we began taking on the free waters. He laughed and shouted with joy. I'd never seen him so happy!

We then anchored and with a huge smile on his face, Ed dove in. I immediately saw that he was struggling, so I turned the boat to be a bit closer to him. He didn't move so I started throwing him a rope screaming, “Ed, get the rope!!! ED, GET THE ROPE!! EDDDDDDDD GET THE ROPE!!!!!

Seconds later, his head fell below the surface of the water, and he never came back up.

After weeks of trauma wanting to give up on school and life, I finally learned that Ed's body had been chock full of cocaine. Apparently, after being rejected from the military two weeks earlier, he turned to heavy drugs to numb the pain. It's like he had a death wish.

Ed's death is a constant reminder of why we must live our purpose WHILE WE'RE ALIVE.

What are you waiting for?

Why aren't you going for it fully? If you're like me, you're scared. Years ago, I sat on my KNOWING that I was here to inspire and support you because I was too afraid of leaving my safe job. I was too afraid of being rejected. I was so afraid of failing. So I stayed stuck. And then the pain of being stuck became so bad that I got sick until eventually the pain of staying stuck became worse than the fear of possibly failing. I knew that if I came to the end of my days without ever trying to live this purpose, I'd regret it forever.

Do you want your dreams to die with you like Ed's did? Why do you have painting talent if not to share your gift with others? Why do you have ideas about politics, if not to help your community? I know it's scary, and I know that your brilliance is not meant to die.

Your purpose is bigger than you. If you have a book idea, then those words are meant to help someone else. What good do those words do sitting in your journal and dying with you in the grave? If you dream of starting an animal shelter, it's because there are puppies in mills who need your help. Do you want to die with them?

This may sound dramatic, but having survived being robbed at gunpoint and having lived through Ed's death, I know too well how short life is.

Do not let your dreams die with you. And if you don't know what your dreams are, and you only know that you feel stuck and lost, then let this be your wake up call to start the process of figuring it out.

Find a mentor, join a mastermind, do a program to get clarity on who you are and what you want.

No matter what you do, take action today. For Ed. Ed's legacy lives on through us following our hearts. Sending so much love to Ed's family.

With so much love,
Carin

PurposeGirls on Fire – Real success stories of people who are going for it!

Brigid had always wanted to be an artist. She just loved painting and had always loved the stroke of a brush. But as a young girl, she kept seeing commercials for “starving artists.” She didn't want to starve, so understandably, she gave up painting. Brigid went on to start a successful printing business with her partner, but twenty years into her business and life as wife and mother, she lost her spark. Life took over and she became depleted. She heard about my offer for a free 30-minute call and within moments of talking, she declared her desire for change. She joined my EMPOWERED program and within our first two weeks of working together, Brigid remembered her first love: being an artist. She came home from the first EMPOWERED retreat so light that everyone at home noticed a change. She started painting at home and began to feel alive. She then started bringing her art talent to her business, and she felt on purpose. Doing graphic design, creating new project ideas, and bravely sharing her talent with clients, for the first time in a long time, Brigid fell in love with life. She knew she needed more space to create, so she asked her partner if they could get rid of the futon in the spare bedroom so that she could set up a studio. Just a few weeks ago, Brigid not only set up her studio, but she also sold her first painting! No “starving artist” for her!! I love this photo of her painting with the woman who bought it, and I love this picture of the FIRST (but not last) check she's received for her painting talent. Join me in CONGRATULATING Brigid on being a kickass woman on purpose. To learn more about her and her graphics arts, painting and printing business, check out Creative Characters here.

July 18, 2017 By Carin Rockind Leave a Comment

The 1st Step to Being Empowered

If you could solve any problem in the world, what would it be?

This weekend, I was in Montreal with hundreds of people at the International Positive Psychology Association conference who dedicate their lives to answering this question.

Karen unexpectedly lost her husband at a young age. She wanted to die with him, but with young children, she knew she had to live. She began reading, meditating, and working on herself, and soon she realized that she could CHOOSE happiness. Wanting more people to realize that they too can make happiness a choice, she created the World Happiness Summit for thousands of people. Everyday, she wears a bracelet to remind her.

Emilia was nearly beaten to death by her ex-boyfriend before she escaped with nothing. She healed through sheer determination, running and deciding to dedicate her life to social justice. In November and December, she's running the length of New Zealand – 1500 miles – to show other survivors that they there's life on the other side of trauma. She wants to “encourage people to reach out for their extraordinary, exceed themselves and become leaders of positive change.”

Talking to them, I was both inspired, and to be honest, I also felt a teeny-tiny bit inadequate. Then I remembered… I'm just like them, and so are you.

These extraordinary people once had ordinary lives, but they woke up one day and made a choice to pursue their purpose. Emilia didn't know how to get sponsors or raise the money, she hadn't run that far, and she was afraid to leave her job, but she made the choice to try.

That's the 1st step to being empowered and living a life of purpose: To make the choice to finally do it. Even if you don't know how, trust you'll figure it out. It's really that simple. The research is super clear about this: Your level of commitment is critical to success.

Yet, many of us are walking-dead. We shuffle through life wanting more, but then get drowned in email and laundry, and before we know it, we're waking up on New Year's Eve wondering where the year went. I'm constantly receiving emails from people who feel “stuck”, “lost”, “unfulfilled”, “exhausted” and “like something's missing.”

If this is how you feel, then something is missing – YOU. Your passions, your strengths, your heart's desires.

Every single one of us is capable of doing something “extra”ordinary. Your purpose doesn't have to be “huge” like Emilia or Karen, but you are worthy of putting your gifts and ideas into the world. In fact, the world NEEDS your gifts. Where would we be if Rosa Parks had held back out of fear? One simple decision of her worth changed civil rights forever.

My client Heather just launched her dream yesterday (see the new “PurposeGirls on Fire” section below for her story) and it's amazing to see how she's already impacting lives with simple social media posts.

Journal on this:

Which of your heart's ideas you've called crazy, stupid, impossible, impractical, yet they still nag at you and won't go away?
What issue do you want to contribute to?
What would make you feel alive?

Or maybe you don't know what you want to do. Then decide that it's time to get help in figuring it out.

Let these extraordinary people who are just like you remind you of what's possible when you make the decision to get unstuck and be empowered.

With so much love,
Carin
(Here's a pic of me speaking about Purpose at the Intl Pos Psych conference! It was such an honor and so much fun! I got to do it because 8 years ago, I made the choice to pursue my purpose no matter what.)

PS: I’m going to have something huge to share with you in a few days: The doors will be opening on Monday for my transformational 4-month coaching program – EMPOWERED! I’ve led EMPOWERED for several years, and it has truly changed the lives of so many women in dramatic ways! As I share with you details about the program I’ll also share stories of some of the amazing women who have gone through the program. They’re truly inspirational, and the opportunity to empower women like them – and like you — is the reason I do what I do. Stay tuned!

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PurposeGirls on Fire – Real success stories of people who are going for it!

As a child, Heather Daniel loved her grandmother's cooking. She wanted to write a cookbook “one day,” but before she knew it, she had two kids, a full-time crazy-busy event planning job, had gained a lot of weight, and was stuck in constant stress and overwhelm. She was turning 30 and knew she had to make a change. Heather came to Goddess Girls Retreat with me and Taylor Strecker and immediately opened up about feeling stuck and wanting more. As she and I began working together, at first one-on-one, and then in my EMPOWERED sisterhood, she focused on getting healthy for her boys. She did Whole 30 and saw amazing results so she continued eating paleo and began taking her kids on walks and in time, she lost 40 lbs. Heather posted all of her delicious paleo recipes on Instagram and people asked for more. She felt ALIVE and excited again about life! So she came back to her dream of a cookbook and I'm SO THRILLED to share that just yesterday Heather launched her new blog, “Sweet Revel“. She's a brilliant healthy chef (mostly Whole30/Paleo) and an expert event planner so you can expect lots of fun, refreshing ideas for meals, mommy-ing, and play. She's got the mom-meal-planning down! She's getting her dream done one blog post at a time. She's lost more than 40 lbs on her own cooking and is so so so inspiring. PLEASE join me in following this awesome mama who's following her true purpose. Click here for Sweet Revel!