I’m about to get raw and personal and vulnerable because I’ve committed to being real with you. I believe that a woman’s power is in her vulnerability and that we heal when we come together to support one another. And too many women are suffering in silence – whether from depression, challenged marriages, jobs they hate, starting businesses, infertility or cancer, women are trying to do it alone and it doesn’t work.
We need each other to heal and grow, so I dedicate this post to all of you suffering in silence in hopes that you know that you can heal, you can grow, and you can love life again. You can live in both/and.
Two weeks ago, I had a miscarriage.
If you’ve followed me for a while, then you know that I’ve wanted a baby for a long time – ever since my last miscarriage two years ago.
Before then, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a mom. I just wanted to impact women’s lives. I used to say that at my funeral, I would rather hundreds of women say that I changed their lives than one person say that I was her mom.
But then we got pregnant. It was 2015; we had been in Italy for a delayed honeymoon and after several glasses of Pinot Grigio, I said to Josh, “Oh what the heck! Let’s try to have a baby.”
We got pregnant on the first try. At first, I was terrified that I had just ruined my life. But then I was thrilled. Ten little fingers and toes to love, a whole life to witness and support, a soul to nourish with self-love and purpose! Josh and I started looking for a bigger house, we planned our schedule, we played with baby names. I envisioned the baby coming with me on retreats and I became excited about raising a conscious, soulful child.
And then I started spotting. Terrified, we rushed to the ER and while there, I fully released the baby. It was heartbreaking and strangely beautiful as Josh and I held each other. I understood then that I had entered a rite of passage for women.
That pregnancy taught me that I really do want to be a mom, and it helped me help so many other women. Just last month, two clients had miscarriages and I was able to support them through it. I felt like there was a purpose to my miscarriage and I could now be the mom I wanted to be.
But then we weren’t getting pregnant again. Month after month I cried as I got my period and about a year in, we saw a fertility doctor. I hated it every moment of it. He winked at Josh about his “young” sperm count while he sternly told me I was “old.” He tried to push expensive extensive medical procedures on us, scaring me with statistics while I turned into a blubbering mess of tears on the floor of his office.
It felt gross and like I was being used. I knew there had to be a better way.
A friend suggested a nutritionist/yogi/fertility coach and I signed up to work with her right away. With her help, I cleansed my body, went off of caffeine and gluten, started intentional mediation and yoga, and most importantly, I healed old painful wounds. I found myself totally in love with Josh, my stepson, and our life and about a year in, we got pregnant.
It was Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish new year) morning a couple of months ago and my period was late. I was never late, so I knew. I jumped out of bed at 6 am to take a pregnancy test, and sure enough, two lines appeared right away. I woke up Josh with fresh tears in my eyes and a huge grin on my face, “Honey, we did it! We did it!”
We held my belly at synagogue as we prayed about the miraculous new year we were about to have. I started telling the women closest to me, and we again started planning.
But then I again began spotting. It was the day after I found out that the radio show I was on was cancelled. I tried to keep myself calm but it felt like my whole world was crashing down at once. An ultrasound then proved that the baby was gone.
So in one week: no show, no baby, and honestly, I had a moment of feeling like there was no hope.
Then my friends began calling. My college girlfriends left their own young families and flew in from out of state to be with me. Another friend came over to hold me and pet my hair as I cried on her lap. A friend who just had a baby dropped off a care package. Two other friends from out of state ditched a conference to come sit with me. My clients from AWAKEN, my one-year experience to embody the divine feminine, texted me every day. Together, we healed. I felt both devastated and grateful.
Then I started taking care of myself. I got a therapist, I reached out to my synagogue for support, and last week, I went away by myself.
I always talk to you about self-care but until last week, I’m not sure I even knew what that meant. Mani/pedis are awesome, but sometimes, you have to give your soul what it needs to heal and grow. Sometimes, you need to get away, you need space, you need time and no matter what else is going on or how crazy it seems, you need it in order to be the wife/mother/friend/daughter/co-worker/manager/ son/father that you want to be.
So despite my brain’s objections (“You can’t go away now! The show was cancelled and we need to drum up new business!”), I cancelled my appointments and took time and space for me. For 3 days in the woods, I read, I meditated, I took long hikes, I cried, I screamed, I beat the shit out of a tree while yelling “WHY ME??!!”, I napped, I cooked really healthy food, I lit candles, I danced, and I made angels in the fresh snow. For 3 days and 3 nights, I did nothing but self-care and it filled me.
So I share all of this with you now not needing your sympathy, but in the hopes that it heals you.
Whatever you’re suffering from, don’t do it in silence. Don’t just trudge through the days. Allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to lean in to others who can hold you and love you. Allow yourself to care for your tender heart and sweet soul.
And then allow yourself to dream and hope again. That’s what I’m doing and we’ll do it together.
With so much love,
Following Your Purpose – BONUS to Join me for LAUNCH in London
When I was launching my purpose, I was desperate for someone to take me under her wing and show me what to do. I was eager, I was excited, and I was motivated. I just needed someone to give me the blueprint and I would follow.
But I never found that person, so I made it up on my own. It worked, but it took a lot longer and had a lot more heartache and pain than it needed to. I cried a lot of nights because I didn’t know what to do and I suffered a lot of anxiety attacks because I felt so alone.
But you don’t have to be alone. I will be that mentor for you, as I've done with so many women before you. And I now have a bonus for you to do so.
I’m so excited about my upcoming trip to London where I’m going to speak at one of the most inspiring women’s empowerment events on the planet: The Festival of Doers. I want you to join me so that you can be inspired, get motivated, and create a plan for your purpose in 2018! At my new program Launch, you'll attend the Festival and then get 2 focused days of coaching with me to create a plan for your purpose. And now as a special bonus, I'm paying for your hotel! Click here to get your bonus and learn more about Launch!
Hugs to you during your time of healing. Miscarriages are so hard to cope with, I think far more difficult than any woman realizes. Know that the miscarriage does not define you or your future, nor is it symbolic of something being wrong with you or something you did. Once I could get past these misconceptions, healing came easier.
Carin Rockind says
Thank you, my love! It has been hard getting to the point where I truly believe that it wasn’t my fault, and I know I’m not the only woman who has had these feelings, which is why I want to share. Anything I can do to help other women know that they aren’t alone.
Carol Barletta says
Your strength and honesty is such a blessing. Here is an exert I love from a Rocky movie – “Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth, but you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!”
Carin, you have made such a difference in my life…keep being honest, ask for help and keep getting up after each hit!
Carin Rockind says
Thank you so much, Carol! That’s such a great scene, and a wonderful illustration of resilience! I’m honored to know that I’ve had a positive impact on your life; that’s why I do what I do!
You are a wise, brave and amazing role model. You are also deeply and profoundly loved.
Carin Rockind says
Thank you so much, my sister!
Thank you for this message Carin. I had two miscarriages this year and it’s been so difficult to move through it. I’m finally, 5 months after the second, truly trying to take care of myself in a way that I didn’t before. I am willing to talk about my experience and tell people when I’m not ready to take part in certain things (baby showers, etc.). Therapy has helped, but to be honest, hearing others experiences and sharing my own are what has helped the most. Good luck moving forward and thank you for your courageous message. I truly miss hearing your advice and guidance on Wake Up and appreciate these emails.
Carin Rockind says
I’m so sorry about your two recent miscarriages, Kacey, and I’m glad that this message resonates for you. I, too, find comfort in hearing from others and in sharing my own experience with people who understand what it’s like. (And I miss Wake Up as well!)
Thank you for sharing and being a voice for all of us women. We are all sisters who have stories to be told to enlighten and empower others. Such a sisterhood you have built and I am proud to be a part of it. I learn from you every day about myself and being able to share is so important to us and you. Love you bunches.
Carin Rockind says
I love you, too, Kat, and I’m so glad that you’re in my world! Thanks so much for your kind words!
So sorry to hear about your anglel babies. I’ve lost two myself and even though I now have my rainbow baby (pure random timing after coming to conclusion with my hubby we’d start planning to adopt), I miss those two something fierce. Take your time in healing and your rainbow will come. Find a way to remember or a memorial (I have an angel statue and a charm for my bracelet) that helps me. As well as remembering it’s ok to be sad and grieve. It’s a unique loss often without the closure a funeral has.
Carin Rockind says
I love the term, “rainbow baby,” and congratulations on yours, Jessie! It is a unique loss, one that too many people don’t understand, and that’s why I feel it’s so important to share my experiences.
I had two “missed” miscarriages and after the second I took a leave from work and met with a therapist who dealt with pregnancy loss and fertility issues. I think it’s so important to acknowledge the loss and how you are feeling and come to a level of acceptance and understanding that it is not your fault. I now have three children (5,3,1) but I often remember my first babies and wonder what life would look like had they come into this world. But the experience of losing my two babies brought my husband and I closer than I ever could have imagined and showed us what we could endure as a couple. In my heart I never felt hopeless or that being a mother wasn’t in the cards for me but I did have to learn it wasn’t up to me as for when it would happen. So sorry for your losses. Keep on believing in good and shining bright for all to see!
Carin Rockind says
I’m so happy that you moved through the experience with strength and faith now have three children! Some things are beyond our control — such as the when — but I’m keeping the faith, too!