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HOW TO STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP
I brag that I'm celebrating so much.
Because the truth is that my brain has spent a lot of my life being really cruel.
I want you to think about this for a second. How many times a day do you list all of the things that are wrong with you?
Do you look in the mirror and point out what you see as flaws, maybe cellulite, or your belly after having kids, or your thighs? Or a new hair that popped up on your cheek?
How many times a day do you think about what you did wrong?
I should have said that in the meeting. Ah, why didn't I let him do that? Oh, why didn't I pick up the milk when I was supposed to?
Or do you get down on yourself? You could be a better mother, a better wife, a better worker, a better coworker, a better client, a better manager… Blah, blah, blah.
The fact is that women are twice as likely to be depressed as men. One of the reasons that more women are depressed than men is that women ruminate more.
Rumination, if you're a you're a cow or a goat, is that you chew your food a lot. It's already chewed up, and it comes back up for you to chew again — as gross as that might be! The partly digested food comes back up and you chew it some more.
We also ruminate as humans — not with our food, but in our mind. This means that we think about something over and over and over again. You chew on it and you chew on it. And even after you're done with it, it comes back the next day and the next day. Women ruminate more and ruminate on the negative.
My dear friend Allison and I used to call it beating a dead horse. She and I would sit at Panera Bread for like six hours, and we would take a situation and we would beat it to death just reliving it over and over. We would ruminate. Just think about how much time we would spend on hashing out a negative situation!
Most of my family and close friends have always said that I was a master at beating myself up, that I could beat myself up better than anyone in the whole world. Our brains love to tell us everything that we did wrong, everything we could have and should have done differently.
THE SCIENCE OF OUR HABITS
This madness of thinking that there's something wrong with us has to end. And no one's going to end it for us. How are you ever going to live your purpose, get your book out in the world, if you're sitting there constantly telling yourself what's wrong with you, and that you have no business writing a book, and that nobody wants to hear you? How are you ever going to start that daycare that kids need, if you're constantly saying you shouldn't charge money because it's doing good and it's your purpose? And really, you shouldn't ask for that much money, and you're probably not worth it, or whatever else.
This beating ourselves up has got to stop.
Here's what we know from the research about habits. There's an amazing book by Charles Duhigg, about habits called The Power of Habit, where could read more about this. What we know is that it's a lot harder to just stop a habit than it is to create a new one. And this is because of neuroscience and how your brain works.
When you're born you have 600 billion neurons, or brain cells. They're kind of just like fresh and waiting to do something, to learn something, to experience something. And before you're even born, the brain is starting to make connections because the brain hears the mother's voice all the time. Some of the brain connections help the whole brain and body and nervous system feel safe when Mom is speaking because that's the voice that they hear all the time.
When a baby is born, there's a mostly fresh brain ready to absorb and soak up and learn information. And the brain can't possibly remember everything that it needs to remember, so the more the brain experiences something, or sees or witnesses or hears or thinks something, the more it creates very strong neural connections.
It builds those connections so that the brain can more easily remember something, and therefore make more space to learn something new.
So here's how it works. When my sweet baby boy was born, he had no idea what a car was. He went home in one when we could take him home from the hospital, but he didn't know what it was. However, throughout the early months of his life, he heard us say car a number of times, or that we're going into the car. Now, we don't talk about our car all that frequently, but his brain heard it enough to know that an object with wheels is a car. And so when it was time for him to start speaking words, his first word was mama. His second word was car.
His brain is doing him a favor, by knowing that that's a car, because it now doesn't have to think about what that object is with wheels every time he sees it. His brain just knows, “Oh, that's a car.” And that opens up room for him to learn something else.
So we build connections between neurons around the things that we think we have to know the most. Therefore, the more you see something, the more you learn it. The first time you looked at geometry you didn't know much about it, but by the end of a year of studying geometry in high school, it was much more familiar (even if you don't remember it anymore).
This is how the brain learns.
Why do I share all of that with you when I'm trying to talk about celebrating yourself and not being mean to yourself and bragging? Because if your brain has repeated over and over and over again that you are fat, then, of course, every time you look in the mirror, that's all you'll see.
Because your brain has a super quick highway to it. If your brain has repeated over and over again that you're not good enough, then that is what you'll believe. And now this is really like a habit that we don't even think about.
FORMING A NEW HABIT
But sister, what if you had a different habit? What if your habit was self-celebration? What if your habit was being proud of yourself? What if it was focusing on what you did right instead of what you did wrong? Now, this is revolutionary and scary for most of us, because if you're anything like me, you learned that bragging was not attractive, that women shouldn't brag, that it's not nice to talk so well of yourself. You might make someone else feel bad.
We all know that women make less money than men. One of the reasons is that men talk better about themselves, men talk about the wins that they had, they share the note that they got from their customer about how awesome they are. And even if you find it repulsive and annoying, it works.
So when I go into companies, and I've done this at many companies from Ernst and Young to Alcoa to Amazon, I talk to women about bragging and celebrating themselves.
And I will tell you, Sister, it's confronting, it's scary. For may it's so uncomfortable.
And it will set you free.
Women haven't had safe places to celebrate and brag. When we've wanted to share something exciting, someone probably thought we were full of ourselves or arrogant, and so we probably stayed quiet.
But I want to ask you, what about when you were two? Or three or four? What were you like then? I'm just gonna be honest: I was a ham. I was like, “I'm so awesome. Look at me. I'm so cute. Look at what I'm doing now!” And I would dance and I would twirl and I totally thought I would end up on stage one day singing and dancing.
Now there were other people in my life, even as a little girl, that I was afraid to be a superstar in front of. I was afraid to be a superstar at school when I started seeing that other girls could dance better than I could. In fact, I dropped out of ice skating when I was about eight even though I loved it, because I saw the other girls were better. I was afraid to brag and boast about myself in front of my older sister and my older brother.
Many things in life have been beaten out of us. Maybe it was your older sibling thinking that you were annoying. One of my clients had a teacher that told her she was being too loud. Her second-grade teacher told her she was too loud, and kicked her out of class so many times that she decided that the only way for her to be okay in life was to just totally be quiet. She went on to become an accountant, and then, 15-20 years into her career, she realized she was miserable.
And so here we are trying to be nice girls by not speaking about ourselves because we might make another girl feel bad. Here we are trying to go with the rules, right? The teacher wants us to be quiet and nice. Girls don't speak up. All that BS. Here we are wanting to look good, so what we start doing is taking all of that energy that could be used to celebrate ourselves and instead focus it on all that's wrong with us.
Have you ever noticed that when women get together, the woman who is the meanest to herself is often the most popular? The woman who hates her thighs is funny. The woman who hates her husband is relatable. The woman who hates her life gets the most airtime. We do this as women, we vent and listen. Now, there is a place for venting, but among my closest friends, we spend the majority of our time celebrating ourselves and each other. And then leaning in when we are in the shit.
And saying, “Hold me, witness me here.” Which we do. We swamp. We say, “Sister, I'm in that mud with you. That sucks. I'm so sorry.” But then we don't keep going. We say, “I see you and I know you're strong. And I know you're capable. How can I help? What can we do? We got you.”
What would happen if we started celebrating ourselves?
What would happen if you started to say, “You know what, I actually kind of do like my thighs. And you know what? I think my lips are pretty. And you know what? I like my hair.” What would start to happen if you were like, “You know what, that dream I have of writing a book — I'm gonna rock it!”
What I want is for every woman to show up BIG. The answer is not to hold back and not to play small but rather to have a safe place to practice bragging and celebrating ourselves.
That is what I love creating and providing. That is why I have Bragapalooza every Friday in the PurposeGirls Facebook group.
A no strings attached place for women to brag about everything.
And I've taught the women in my group to use the words “I brag” or “I celebrate,” or to use the words “I'm proud of.” It really doesn't matter to me. Try them all on and feel which feels good, or maybe different words feel good in different situations at different times.
Sister, you need to be proud of yourself for everything, because no one else is going to do it for you. We have to actually do it for ourselves. We have to create the new habit. I shared with you the neuroscience because I want you to create a habit of looking in the mirror and saying, “I'm beautiful. I love you, child.” And remembering that inside of you is that two-year-old before you were harmed by people in this world. Go be part of the movement and join PurposeGirls: The Women’s Happiness Network. This is a feminine purpose revolution we're on and I can't wait to celebrate you!
YOU ARE WORTHY OF IT ALL!
A woman contacted me a few years ago: “I would love to pursue my own business. But that would not even be possible for me.” She then said that she would love to join me on a retreat.
But… she then listed all the reasons why she couldn't.
So I paused for a moment and said, “Why do you accept the crumbs in life?”
Silence.
You could hear her brain churning.
We’ve been taught as girls to accept the crumbs.
Did you know that in the US, the Equal Rights Amendment – for women to have equal rights – was never added to the Constitution?
That omission says so much to our little girls.
A client recently shared with me, “When I was a little girl, all the men would have a conversation in one room talking about intellectual ideas and politics. And all the women were in the kitchen cleaning and gossiping about the world and the family friends. The boys were allowed to go and play tennis and golf, but the girls weren't. And then when I was in school, the boys got called on in graduate school more than the girls did.”
She had all of these examples, where she saw girls and women not having as much opportunity.
And once in Corporate, she made $60,000 less than her male counterpart where she worked. She went to her boss and asked why. He gave her a $60,000 raise.
FEELINGS OF UNWORTHINESS
Another one of my clients had an example where she didn't even ask for a raise. The company had gone through a big HR performance evaluation review. Then one day, her boss walked in and told her that they were giving her an $80,000 raise but not to ask why.
She immediately knew the reason was that her male counterparts were making more.
This is not about man-hating. I have a son, and I want him to be as successful as he can be. I just also want the girls in his classes to have the exact same equal opportunities.
The same with people of color. I want you to have equal opportunity as me with white skin. I just want us all to be equal.
But not seeing equality, we begin to feel that we are worth less.
Worth. Less.
Worthless.
And that’s why we accept crumbs.
YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS, JOY, LOVE – ALL OF IT
But we are inherently worthy. No matter what.
You get to shift from settling for the crumbs. You get to have the whole darn cake.
A survey of more than 3000 adolescent girls showed that 7 out of 10 of them believed that they were not good enough, that they were not measuring up in terms of their looks and appearance, in terms of how smart they were and their academic performance, and in terms of their personal relationships.
That same study showed that 75% of the girls with low self-esteem had engaged in activities like eating disorders, cutting, bullying, smoking, and drinking. These are adolescents.
So is it any wonder then that as women, we accept only the crumbs?
I want you to ask yourself: Where are you accepting crumbs in life?
Be honest. Look yourself in the mirror when nobody's around.
Sometimes I struggle with it. I recently bought a Louis Vuitton bag. I have coveted this bag for 10 years. I wanted it so badly. It started because I was in an airport and I saw a woman with this really cute bag and I wanted it. I would keep seeing that bag at the airport and I finally realized it was a Louis Vuitton bag. And then I said to myself, “Oh, then it's not for me.” I just made a declaration: That bag is not for me. Even though I had no idea what it cost. But because it was a luxury brand, my brain said I can't have that.
I did some deep work around it, and I realized that there was still a part of me that said, “I'm not worthy of being treated like a Queen.” I would tell myself that I don't need that bag! It’s RIDICULOUS!
It’s one thing if I couldn’t afford it, but I’ve worked hard to create my Purpose life so that I can. The problem was telling myself that I wasn’t WORTHY of what I wanted.
So when I planned The Women's Day Event – the world's largest Women's Day event for 2500 women, 25 speakers, and 12 hours of free content I decided I do deserve that bag. I did so much good!
But notice how I told myself that I was worthy because I DID something??
That’s a lack mentality. It’s still crumbs.
SAYING YES TO YOURSELF
Once I noticed it, I learned and shifted.
I used to think, “Maybe I shouldn’t go on a retreat or hire a coach because I should save that money for my son.”
Now I realize – I AM MY OWN BEST INVESTMENT.
When I’m lit up, I light up the world.
When I’m full and feel luscious, I’m so much more patient and giving with my family and clients.
When I feel abundant, I’m more generous with the world.
But when I’m in lack, I’m judgmental and short tempered.
When I eat only crumbs, I’m hangry and resentful!
And research proves that our emotions flow over to our kids and the rest of our life. This is why we know: When Mama’s happy, everyone is!
The more I fill up, the more I have to give from a place of JOY.
So accepting crumbs is actually the WORST thing for my family.
Treating yourself like a Queen is the BEST thing for them.
And for you.
Every time I invest in myself and give myself the whole damn cake (figuratively) I expand tenfold. I’m more creative and come up with new ideas for my business and the world. I sell more. I make more. I reach out to friends more and build more love. I act more loving to my husband. I expand and so does my world.
What would “the whole cake” look like to you? What have you been craving but saying no to? Travel? A new bag? A side hustle business? A retreat?
Goddess Getaway Italy is now open but half full, so spots are limited! Some women have told me they can’t afford it, but I've seen so often that it's not really that someone can't afford it because you could make payment plans and everything else. But maybe they don't think that they're worthy of spending on themselves.
Shift your own worthiness.
Because ultimately, the way you treat yourself is how your children will treat themselves or how your friends will treat themselves.
We inspire each other, we take each other higher. Sister, what this comes down to is, that instead of accepting crumbs, instead of feeling like you're not good enough, you get to eat the whole cake. You get to have everyone watch you eat it. You get to be under the lights and shine and under the stars.
You are worth it! My Goddess Getaways helps you claim your worthiness – you will heal, you will release old patterns of unworthiness, you will own your power and you will transform into your highest, biggest self.
Right now the doors are open to our Italy retreat August 21-25, where we will expand through all of our senses in our private Villa in Tuscany with our private pool and private chef. I will take you through deep exercises and you will find the best, most loving Sisterhood cheering you on. Plus, we will have so much fun with our cooking class and seeing ancient Tuscan towns and more!! Click here for info: www.CarinRockind.com/Italy
And soon we'll be opening our doors for Goddess Getaway Miami at the Versace Mansion! If you want to get on the early bird list for Miami, message the team at team@purposegirl.com.
XO,
Carin
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