In honor of all of the brave souls who stepped into their authentic beautiful selves yesterday on National Coming Out Day, I want to do the same today.
(DEEP BREATH – here I go.) My very first love was a woman – or a girl, really. I was 16 and my best friend, Lisa, was being distant. “Why is she mad at me?” I wondered. “What did I do wrong??” Eventually, she wrote me a letter: “I love you.” Naïve and relieved, I chirped, “I LOVE YOU TOO!!” To which she replied, “No, I really love you.” It took me weeks to understand what she meant and months to realize that I felt the same way.
Lisa was the first person who loved me completely and unconditionally.
Everything I hated about myself, Lisa loved. She cherished my faults, delighted in my quirks and was my #1 fan. Our relationship felt so good.
I was so happy, I wanted to tell people about her but I couldn’t. I told one friend that I had a boyfriend named “Lee” and simultaneously, I dreamt that one day Lisa would have a sex change so that we could be together forever. One day, I realized that I wanted to date boys – to go to homecoming and one day have a groom. I wanted our relationship – but with a guy – and I’ve been searching for it ever since.
Trying to “define” this – to define me has been a tremendous source of deep pain and confusion in my life. Today, I let it go. Today I take one step in the direction of being and loving my true, authentic self. Of living my unique PURPOSE. I’m not “gay” or “straight” or even “bisexual”. My soul can love any other soul – period. And I think this is true of us all.
I dedicate this blog to Lisa. I am forever grateful for her love. Today, she identifies as “gay” and I identify as “straight”, but really, we’re the same. We love with pure hearts. And that’s what this world is all about.
Sending you love and courage to let go and let your light shine!