Pain and Loss Archives - Carin Rockind

June 15, 2018 By Carin Rockind Leave a Comment

What Kate Spade taught (in life and death) – Depression and Suicide Support

It's been jarring recently with the news of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain's deaths by suicide and I feel the need to share my own experience, so that if any of this resonates, you get the support you need. (Or urge a friend to.)

It's not that Kate Spade or Anthony Bourdain are more important than the nearly 45,000 suicides that occur in the US each year (or those that occur throughout the world); it's just that these celebrities have brought the issue of mental health to light this week. Maybe this will help us wake up to remove the stigma around depression. Maybe this will make the topic “acceptable” to talk about at Christmas dinner and neighborhood block parties. Maybe their deaths will prevent one more.

I've never tried to commit suicide, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't uttered the words,
“This is just too hard.”
“I can't do this anymore.”
“The pain is too great.”
When Anxiety has hijacked my brain for hours or days,
When I've been depressed and thought that no one cared,
When I was so ashamed of wanting a divorce that I thought it might be easier to die,
When the pain of my miscarriages were too great to bear,
When I was filled with shame at 17 for loving a girl who beat me,
When I couldn't face my own darkness.

It's just seemed too hard.

With my last miscarriage, I actually said the words “I don't want to be alive anymore.”
Fortunately, I said this to my husband, my friends, my therapist.
I got help, I let myself be held, I found purpose in my pain and I don't feel that way anymore.

But I do still get depressed. Painful emotions are part of being human and part of being a fully expressed woman and it's why we need support and tools.

We ALL have ups and downs, peaks and valleys, highs and lows, and we MUST learn self compassion and self kindness to get us through the lows. We need support – counselors, friends, loved ones, organizations who are there for us. And we have to learn to self-soothe.

I don't know much about Kate Spade or Anthony Bourdain. I just know that they seemed to “have it all.”

Kate Spade's brand was so colorful and upbeat and lively. Her sister said she was afraid that if we all knew about her deep pain, we wouldn't believe in her brand. I totally get it. I too have thought that if you knew my pain, you wouldn't believe in me as a Happiness Coach.

But it's feeling more and more like we need to “come out of the mental health closet.” All of us. Whether you are a celebrity or not, we each influence others – family, friends, colleagues, via social media…

Depression is a horrible thing. It feels hopeless and you feel helpless. And it's embarrassing. I have felt so much shame when I've struggled with it because I was always “the happy child,” “the perfect one” – I just wanted to have it all together.

How many of us hide our pain because we think others don't want to hear it? Because we think others won't like it? Because we don't want to be a burden? Because it seems “weak”? Because we think we're just supposed to be happy and smiley and strong and okay all the freaking time??!!!

You don't have to be happy all the time.
That's bullshit.
Happiness isn't yellow smiley faces and bullshit emoticons.
Happiness is struggling well.
It's resilience through the pain.
It's meaningful growth.
It's deep fulfillment and purpose.

So if you've been struggling, please get support.
If you have a friend who's struggling, please urge them to get support.
Two of my clients volunteer for CRISIS TEXT LINE. Text HELLO to 741741.

If I can be of any help to you, please let me know.

And in the meantime, I'm sending so much love to Ms. Spade and Mr. Bourdain's families – and to all families that have lived with this pain. And to all of those who have suffered depression. We're in this together. #WeDeserveBetter

This week's episode of The PurposeGirl Podcast is about this issue and what to do if you or a loved one is suffering from depression. In a powerful and extremely informative interview, clinical therapist, Lisa Lapidus, LICSW, talks about why we are seeing so much depression, how to talk with kids and loved ones about it, and how to take steps to feeling vibrant. It’s a not-to-miss episode. In fact, you may want to send this one to all your friends, your kids’ schools, your family members and colleagues. Let’s fight this together – with extreme compassion and love.

With so much love,
Carin

May 15, 2018 By Carin Rockind Leave a Comment

What To Do About Anger and Grief

“Just be positive!”

“Smile!”

This is great, but what about when you're in deep pain?
What about when your heart is breaking into a million pieces because your child has cancer?
What about when your veins are pumping fury and rage because your lover left you?
What about when your belly is ill because your company is doing layoffs and rent is due?

What about those very real emotions?
Is there room for Anger and Grief in Happiness?
Yes.

Positive psychology often gets dinged because people think it's “positive thinking.”
It's not.
Positive psychology is the scientific study of HUMAN flourishing, and it's VERY human to feel Anger, Rage, Sadness, Grief, Worry, and more!

These emotions give us information.
They tell us something we're desiring or needing.
They make us act. Anger makes us fight back, Grief makes us protect ourselves.
So we need to feel these feelings to heal.

However, most of us are hanging onto them for too long.
One woman I know has been (understandably) angry about her husband's infidelity for 12 years, even though they're divorced. It's ruined her self-esteem and has made her physically sick. He's having a grand ol' time remarried while she feels bitter, cold and ill. I don't blame her – I'd probably do the same thing. But is it serving her?

Stress emotions were only meant to be in our bodies for 90 seconds in order to produce cortisol and adrenaline, but we're hanging on to Anger and Grief and Worry for YEARS and over time, those healthy short-term hormones because long-term disease.
We have to move the emotion through.
But the world hasn't made it safe to Rage. Angry women are called Nasty Bitches.
The world hasn't made it safe to Grieve either. Sad women are called Emotional Depressives who need medication.
So we bottle it up, put on our happy face and pretend.
But that's when it starts showing up in the body as Dis-Ease – Disease!!
It shows up as weight, as shingles, as anxiety, as depression, as heart attacks and more.

So we need to MOVE the emotion THROUGH us.
Literally scream it out of our lungs!
Cry it out of our eyes!
Shake our bodies free.

I just did this on Sunday. I've shared my fertility journey with you, so first, Happy Mother's Day to all of you moms! And, as you can imagine that Mother's Day was hard for me. I would have been 9 months pregnant right now, ready to welcome my little one. So on Sunday morning, I went into a private room and moved the pain through my body. I screamed and stomped my rage, allowing myself a temper tantrum like a 2 year old. Then I danced slowly to a sad song, allowing myself to grieve my tears. Then I talked to a couple of Soul Sisters to move it through. Then I journaled my desires and tapped into my truth that I am a Goddess of Creation. I birth dreams – my own and my clients'. On Mother's Day, one of my clients who wants to start a wellness business led her first meditaiton class. Another told me she's planning her first art show! I birth dreams. I'm also birthing a book with my agent. I am birthing a new movement to teach healers the science of women's happiness. So I planted a garden – roses and tomatoes and cucumbers and herbs – to BIRTH creation! I then soaked in a warm bath and finished the night dancing about my fertile gorgeous healthy body!

I moved it through!
I share this story with you not for your sympathy, but to share how to work with these very human emotions.
You too have permission to feel it all.

My most recent podcast teaches you how to do this.

It will teach you how to work with anger, sadness, and any “dark” emotion you feel. When we embrace and love our WHOLE selves – our light and dark sides – our fiery sensuality and pure compassion – our intuition and our action – then we are our happiest, best, most purposeful selves!

Enjoy the episode, and please post how you work with painful emotions here on my blog.

With so much love!

XO,
Carin

January 11, 2018 By Carin Rockind Leave a Comment

#metoo, Abuse, Oprah and Purpose

After watching Oprah’s speech at the Golden Globes, I’ve wanted to email you but there is so much to say and I wasn’t quite sure how to put all of my feelings into words.

First, #metoo

I haven’t spoken about it much, but when I was 17, my first love physically abused me. She and I were so young, so confused about our sexuality, and so in love that when I tried to end the relationship so I could date boys, she began hitting me.

This pain and shame has stayed with me for 26 years.

Though she and I have reconnected as adults and she has apologized, I’ve stayed mostly silent about it out of love and protection for her.

But staying silent has made me feel small.
Insecure.
Less than.

So at a woman’s conference in December, when the leader asked everyone who has been abused in any way to please stand up, I slowly stood as my knees shaked. I was in the front row and when I turned around, the sea of nearly 2500 women standing took my breath away.

Then a woman screamed – A guttural, piercing, scream. The kind of scream we yearn for, but rarely allow ourselves.

So the leader said, “Let’s all join her.”
Together, 2500 women screamed out our pain, our anger, our sadness, our fear. Tears streamed down my face as my knees dropped to the ground and I screamed out my pain from the depth of my soul.

Then I felt empty. Pure. Whole. FREE.
A woman came up to me later and told me that her pain has been so bottled up that she had been unable to scream – until she saw me. My truth unblocked her pain and shed her fear.

As Oprah said, “Speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we have.”

If I’ve learned anything on this Purpose journey, it’s that you’ve lived your story to share it and help others. Every time I talk about my pain – miscarriage, anxiety, leaving Corporate, depression, I get emails saying, “Thank you, me too.”

Your TRUTH is your purpose.
Your TRUTH is inspiring.
Your TRUTH is needed.

And your TRUTH isn’t just pain. Your truth is your joy, your soul’s essence, your passions. Your truth is who you are beneath the layers of guilt and fear and shame that have been put upon you. Your truth is who you are underneath the masks you wear, the perfection you desire, and the roles you play.

Your truth is who you are and why you’re here.

And my love, you’re here for purpose. Every single one of us is here for purpose – and you are no exception.

Even if you feel lost, stuck, or like you have no idea who you are…Your purpose, your truth, is there underneath. We just have to uncover it.

The question is if you’ll allow yourself to stop hiding and become the woman you were born to be. We are needed now more than ever. Your gifts, your strengths, your story is needed. We need your truth.

So I hope you join me this year to make 2018 the year that you discover your purpose, to make 2018 the year you claim your truth, to make 2018 the year where you share your gifts and shine your light so brightly that you inspire and empower others. Your family, your community, your work need your purpose – and you deserve it.

May we all know purpose and truth,

With so much love,

Carin

November 14, 2017 By Carin Rockind 14 Comments

My Miscarriage: How to Heal and Grow at the Same Time

I’m about to get raw and personal and vulnerable because I’ve committed to being real with you. I believe that a woman’s power is in her vulnerability and that we heal when we come together to support one another. And too many women are suffering in silence – whether from depression, challenged marriages, jobs they hate, starting businesses, infertility or cancer, women are trying to do it alone and it doesn’t work.

We need each other to heal and grow, so I dedicate this post to all of you suffering in silence in hopes that you know that you can heal, you can grow, and you can love life again. You can live in both/and.

Two weeks ago, I had a miscarriage.

If you’ve followed me for a while, then you know that I’ve wanted a baby for a long time – ever since my last miscarriage two years ago.

Before then, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a mom. I just wanted to impact women’s lives. I used to say that at my funeral, I would rather hundreds of women say that I changed their lives than one person say that I was her mom.

But then we got pregnant. It was 2015; we had been in Italy for a delayed honeymoon and after several glasses of Pinot Grigio, I said to Josh, “Oh what the heck! Let’s try to have a baby.”

We got pregnant on the first try. At first, I was terrified that I had just ruined my life. But then I was thrilled. Ten little fingers and toes to love, a whole life to witness and support, a soul to nourish with self-love and purpose! Josh and I started looking for a bigger house, we planned our schedule, we played with baby names. I envisioned the baby coming with me on retreats and I became excited about raising a conscious, soulful child.

And then I started spotting. Terrified, we rushed to the ER and while there, I fully released the baby. It was heartbreaking and strangely beautiful as Josh and I held each other. I understood then that I had entered a rite of passage for women.

That pregnancy taught me that I really do want to be a mom, and it helped me help so many other women. Just last month, two clients had miscarriages and I was able to support them through it. I felt like there was a purpose to my miscarriage and I could now be the mom I wanted to be.

But then we weren’t getting pregnant again. Month after month I cried as I got my period and about a year in, we saw a fertility doctor. I hated it every moment of it. He winked at Josh about his “young” sperm count while he sternly told me I was “old.” He tried to push expensive extensive medical procedures on us, scaring me with statistics while I turned into a blubbering mess of tears on the floor of his office.

It felt gross and like I was being used. I knew there had to be a better way.

A friend suggested a nutritionist/yogi/fertility coach and I signed up to work with her right away. With her help, I cleansed my body, went off of caffeine and gluten, started intentional mediation and yoga, and most importantly, I healed old painful wounds. I found myself totally in love with Josh, my stepson, and our life and about a year in, we got pregnant.

It was Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish new year) morning a couple of months ago and my period was late. I was never late, so I knew. I jumped out of bed at 6 am to take a pregnancy test, and sure enough, two lines appeared right away. I woke up Josh with fresh tears in my eyes and a huge grin on my face, “Honey, we did it! We did it!”

We held my belly at synagogue as we prayed about the miraculous new year we were about to have. I started telling the women closest to me, and we again started planning.

But then I again began spotting. It was the day after I found out that the radio show I was on was cancelled. I tried to keep myself calm but it felt like my whole world was crashing down at once. An ultrasound then proved that the baby was gone.

So in one week: no show, no baby, and honestly, I had a moment of feeling like there was no hope.

Then my friends began calling. My college girlfriends left their own young families and flew in from out of state to be with me. Another friend came over to hold me and pet my hair as I cried on her lap. A friend who just had a baby dropped off a care package. Two other friends from out of state ditched a conference to come sit with me. My clients from AWAKEN, my one-year experience to embody the divine feminine, texted me every day. Together, we healed. I felt both devastated and grateful.

Then I started taking care of myself. I got a therapist, I reached out to my synagogue for support, and last week, I went away by myself.

I always talk to you about self-care but until last week, I’m not sure I even knew what that meant. Mani/pedis are awesome, but sometimes, you have to give your soul what it needs to heal and grow. Sometimes, you need to get away, you need space, you need time and no matter what else is going on or how crazy it seems, you need it in order to be the wife/mother/friend/daughter/co-worker/manager/ son/father that you want to be.

So despite my brain’s objections (“You can’t go away now! The show was cancelled and we need to drum up new business!”), I cancelled my appointments and took time and space for me. For 3 days in the woods, I read, I meditated, I took long hikes, I cried, I screamed, I beat the shit out of a tree while yelling “WHY ME??!!”, I napped, I cooked really healthy food, I lit candles, I danced, and I made angels in the fresh snow. For 3 days and 3 nights, I did nothing but self-care and it filled me.

So I share all of this with you now not needing your sympathy, but in the hopes that it heals you.

Whatever you’re suffering from, don’t do it in silence. Don’t just trudge through the days. Allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to lean in to others who can hold you and love you. Allow yourself to care for your tender heart and sweet soul.

And then allow yourself to dream and hope again. That’s what I’m doing and we’ll do it together.

With so much love,
Carin

Following Your Purpose – BONUS to Join me for LAUNCH in London
When I was launching my purpose, I was desperate for someone to take me under her wing and show me what to do. I was eager, I was excited, and I was motivated. I just needed someone to give me the blueprint and I would follow.

But I never found that person, so I made it up on my own. It worked, but it took a lot longer and had a lot more heartache and pain than it needed to. I cried a lot of nights because I didn’t know what to do and I suffered a lot of anxiety attacks because I felt so alone.

But you don’t have to be alone. I will be that mentor for you, as I've done with so many women before you. And I now have a bonus for you to do so.

I’m so excited about my upcoming trip to London where I’m going to speak at one of the most inspiring women’s empowerment events on the planet: The Festival of Doers. I want you to join me so that you can be inspired, get motivated, and create a plan for your purpose in 2018! At my new program Launch, you'll attend the Festival and then get 2 focused days of coaching with me to create a plan for your purpose. And now as a special bonus, I'm paying for your hotel! Click here to get your bonus and learn more about Launch!

October 18, 2017 By Carin Rockind Leave a Comment

When everything falls apart – Turn Pain into Purpose

Have you ever felt like a part of life came crashing down and there was nothing you could do about it?

Me too. I found out Monday that the radio show I'm regularly on abruptly went off the air – no explanation, no “here's what's next,” nothing.

At first I went into shock. I searched everywhere to hear that it was a joke. When I realized it was true, my heart went to the show host, my friend and colleague who is super-talented and every listener's best friend.

Then I had a moment of worry for me. The show allows me to inspire millions of women and it's my dream.

Yet just this weekend, I had a “knowing” that I was ready for new opportunities. I led 14 women on retreat in the Poconos and during a hike in the woods, I noticed how easily trees shed their leaves in the fall. I realized that in order to make room for new, we have to release something that no longer serves us.

I looked around at the beautiful women with me, in awe of how they supported and uplifted each other. No judgment – just love. I knew I wanted to create more opportunities for women to shine like this, so I asked myself, “What do
I need to release to be my best self?”

Then 24 hours later, the show was canceled and was released for me. It was a shock and not what I “wanted,” but maybe it's what I need. For a long time, I've wanted to start a podcast, finish my book, and get on the women's empowerment conference circuit. I've wanted to focus on my family. I've wanted to expand, but I was afraid.

Clearly, the Universe is telling me that it's time to pursue all that my heart desires and the same is true for YOU!!!!

Whatever is leaving your life – a lover breaks up with you, you lose your job, or you get passed over for a promotion – it's for purpose. It hurts like hell in the moment and you'll want to scream and shout and cry and eat lots of chocolate (I did all of this yesterday), but it's for your best. I see this all the time with clients who were unsatisfied in a relationship or job but were too afraid to leave, and then once forced out, found something much better. Under the fear, you can find hope. Let yourself grieve fully – and then get honest with yourself and use this as an opportunity.

Ask yourself: What else is possible? One year from today, what do I hope to have? What do I want to do? Fill in this sentence: By this time next year, I'll create…

I want to create a movement of women who inspire, empower, and uplift each other. I envision a global sisterhood where women feel safe, held, and encouraged. I want girls
to know that they are beautiful as is. I see auditoriums of hundreds of women and girls believing in each other and encouraging each other to go for their dreams! I want every woman on earth to:

Stand in her power
Speak her voice
Pursue her dreams
Love herself
Lift others up!

So what do you really, really, really want to create? And in order to have it, what do you need to release? How can use use the pieces of what feels like the world crumbling to create something beautiful?

We'll create something new together. Have a beautiful week!

xo,
Carin