I brag that I'm celebrating so much. 

Because the truth is that my brain has spent a lot of my life being really cruel. 

I want you to think about this for a second. How many times a day do you list all of the things that are wrong with you? 

Do you look in the mirror and point out what you see as flaws, maybe cellulite, or your belly after having kids, or your thighs? Or a new hair that popped up on your cheek? 

How many times a day do you think about what you did wrong? 

I should have said that in the meeting. Ah, why didn't I let him do that? Oh, why didn't I pick up the milk when I was supposed to? 

Or do you get down on yourself? You could be a better mother, a better wife, a better worker, a better coworker, a better client, a better manager… Blah, blah, blah.

The fact is that women are twice as likely to be depressed as men. One of the reasons that more women are depressed than men is that women ruminate more. 

Rumination, if you're a you're a cow or a goat, is that you chew your food a lot. It's already chewed up, and it comes back up for you to chew again — as gross as that might be! The partly digested food comes back up and you chew it some more.

We also ruminate as humans — not with our food, but in our mind. This means that we think about something over and over and over again. You chew on it and you chew on it. And even after you're done with it, it comes back the next day and the next day. Women ruminate more and ruminate on the negative.

My dear friend Allison and I used to call it beating a dead horse. She and I would sit at Panera Bread for like six hours, and we would take a situation and we would beat it to death just reliving it over and over.  We would ruminate. Just think about how much time we would spend on hashing out a negative situation!

Most of my family and close friends have always said that I was a master at beating myself up, that I could beat myself up better than anyone in the whole world. Our brains love to tell us everything that we did wrong, everything we could have and should have done differently.

THE SCIENCE OF OUR HABITS

This madness of thinking that there's something wrong with us has to end. And no one's going to end it for us. How are you ever going to live your purpose, get your book out in the world, if you're sitting there constantly telling yourself what's wrong with you, and that you have no business writing a book, and that nobody wants to hear you? How are you ever going to start that daycare that kids need, if you're constantly saying you shouldn't charge money because it's doing good and it's your purpose? And really, you shouldn't ask for that much money, and you're probably not worth it, or whatever else.

This beating ourselves up has got to stop. 

Here's what we know from the research about habits. There's an amazing book by Charles Duhigg, about habits called The Power of Habit, where could read more about this. What we know is that it's a lot harder to just stop a habit than it is to create a new one. And this is because of neuroscience and how your brain works.

When you're born you have 600 billion neurons, or brain cells. They're kind of just like fresh and waiting to do something, to learn something, to experience something. And before you're even born, the brain is starting to make connections because the brain hears the mother's voice all the time. Some of the brain connections help the whole brain and body and nervous system feel safe when Mom is speaking because that's the voice that they hear all the time.

When a baby is born, there's a mostly fresh brain ready to absorb and soak up and learn information. And the brain can't possibly remember everything that it needs to remember, so the more the brain experiences something, or sees or witnesses or hears or thinks something, the more it creates very strong neural connections. 

It builds those connections so that the brain can more easily remember something, and therefore make more space to learn something new.

So here's how it works. When my sweet baby boy was born, he had no idea what a car was. He went home in one when we could take him home from the hospital, but he didn't know what it was. However, throughout the early months of his life, he heard us say car a number of times, or that we're going into the car. Now, we don't talk about our car all that frequently, but his brain heard it enough to know that an object with wheels is a car. And so when it was time for him to start speaking words, his first word was mama. His second word was car.

His brain is doing him a favor, by knowing that that's a car, because it now doesn't have to think about what that object is with wheels every time he sees it. His brain just knows, “Oh, that's a car.” And that opens up room for him to learn something else.

So we build connections between neurons around the things that we think we have to know the most. Therefore, the more you see something, the more you learn it. The first time you looked at geometry you didn't know much about it, but by the end of a year of studying geometry in high school, it was much more familiar (even if you don't remember it anymore).

This is how the brain learns. 

Why do I share all of that with you when I'm trying to talk about celebrating yourself and not being mean to yourself and bragging? Because if your brain has repeated over and over and over again that you are fat, then, of course, every time you look in the mirror, that's all you'll see. 

Because your brain has a super quick highway to it. If your brain has repeated over and over again that you're not good enough, then that is what you'll believe. And now this is really like a habit that we don't even think about.

FORMING A NEW HABIT

But sister, what if you had a different habit? What if your habit was self-celebration? What if your habit was being proud of yourself? What if it was focusing on what you did right instead of what you did wrong? Now, this is revolutionary and scary for most of us, because if you're anything like me, you learned that bragging was not attractive, that women shouldn't brag, that it's not nice to talk so well of yourself. You might make someone else feel bad.

We all know that women make less money than men. One of the reasons is that men talk better about themselves, men talk about the wins that they had, they share the note that they got from their customer about how awesome they are. And even if you find it repulsive and annoying, it works.

So when I go into companies, and I've done this at many companies from Ernst and Young to Alcoa to Amazon, I talk to women about bragging and celebrating themselves. 

And I will tell you, Sister, it's confronting, it's scary. For may it's so uncomfortable. 

And it will set you free.

Women haven't had safe places to celebrate and brag. When we've wanted to share something exciting, someone probably thought we were full of ourselves or arrogant, and so we probably stayed quiet. 

But I want to ask you, what about when you were two? Or three or four? What were you like then? I'm just gonna be honest: I was a ham. I was like, “I'm so awesome. Look at me. I'm so cute. Look at what I'm doing now!” And I would dance and I would twirl and I totally thought I would end up on stage one day singing and dancing.

Now there were other people in my life, even as a little girl, that I was afraid to be a superstar in front of. I was afraid to be a superstar at school when I started seeing that other girls could dance better than I could. In fact, I dropped out of ice skating when I was about eight even though I loved it, because I saw the other girls were better. I was afraid to brag and boast about myself in front of my older sister and my older brother.

Many things in life have been beaten out of us. Maybe it was your older sibling thinking that you were annoying. One of my clients had a teacher that told her she was being too loud. Her second-grade teacher told her she was too loud, and kicked her out of class so many times that she decided that the only way for her to be okay in life was to just totally be quiet. She went on to become an accountant, and then, 15-20 years into her career, she realized she was miserable.

And so here we are trying to be nice girls by not speaking about ourselves because we might make another girl feel bad. Here we are trying to go with the rules, right? The teacher wants us to be quiet and nice. Girls don't speak up. All that BS. Here we are wanting to look good, so what we start doing is taking all of that energy that could be used to celebrate ourselves and instead focus it on all that's wrong with us.

Have you ever noticed that when women get together, the woman who is the meanest to herself is often the most popular? The woman who hates her thighs is funny. The woman who hates her husband is relatable. The woman who hates her life gets the most airtime. We do this as women, we vent and listen. Now, there is a place for venting, but among my closest friends, we spend the majority of our time celebrating ourselves and each other. And then leaning in when we are in the shit.

And saying, “Hold me, witness me here.” Which we do. We swamp. We say, “Sister, I'm in that mud with you. That sucks. I'm so sorry.” But then we don't keep going. We say, “I see you and I know you're strong. And I know you're capable. How can I help? What can we do? We got you.”

What would happen if we started celebrating ourselves? 

What would happen if you started to say, “You know what, I actually kind of do like my thighs. And you know what? I think my lips are pretty. And you know what? I like my hair.” What would start to happen if you were like, “You know what, that dream I have of writing a book — I'm gonna rock it!”

What I want is for every woman to show up BIG. The answer is not to hold back and not to play small but rather to have a safe place to practice bragging and celebrating ourselves. 

That is what I love creating and providing. That is why I have Bragapalooza every Friday in the PurposeGirls Facebook group. 

A no strings attached place for women to brag about everything. 

And I've taught the women in my group to use the words “I brag” or “I celebrate,” or to use the words “I'm proud of.” It really doesn't matter to me. Try them all on and feel which feels good, or maybe different words feel good in different situations at different times.

Sister, you need to be proud of yourself for everything, because no one else is going to do it for you. We have to actually do it for ourselves. We have to create the new habit. I shared with you the neuroscience because I want you to create a habit of looking in the mirror and saying, “I'm beautiful. I love you, child.” And remembering that inside of you is that two-year-old before you were harmed by people in this world. Go be part of the movement and join PurposeGirls: The Women’s Happiness Network. This is a feminine purpose revolution we're on and I can't wait to celebrate you!

A woman contacted me a few years ago: “I would love to pursue my own business. But that would not even be possible for me.” She then said that she would love to join me on a retreat.

But… she then listed all the reasons why she couldn't.

So I paused for a moment and said, “Why do you accept the crumbs in life?”

Silence.

You could hear her brain churning.

We’ve been taught as girls to accept the crumbs.

Did you know that in the US, the Equal Rights Amendment – for women to have equal rights – was never added to the Constitution?

That omission says so much to our little girls.

A client recently shared with me, “When I was a little girl, all the men would have a conversation in one room talking about intellectual ideas and politics. And all the women were in the kitchen cleaning and gossiping about the world and the family friends. The boys were allowed to go and play tennis and golf, but the girls weren't. And then when I was in school, the boys got called on in graduate school more than the girls did.”

She had all of these examples, where she saw girls and women not having as much opportunity.

And once in Corporate, she made $60,000 less than her male counterpart where she worked. She went to her boss and asked why. He gave her a $60,000 raise.

FEELINGS OF UNWORTHINESS

Another one of my clients had an example where she didn't even ask for a raise. The company had gone through a big HR performance evaluation review. Then one day, her boss walked in and told her that they were giving her an $80,000 raise but not to ask why.

She immediately knew the reason was that her male counterparts were making more.

This is not about man-hating. I have a son, and I want him to be as successful as he can be. I just also want the girls in his classes to have the exact same equal opportunities.

The same with people of color. I want you to have equal opportunity as me with white skin. I just want us all to be equal.

But not seeing equality, we begin to feel that we are worth less.

Worth. Less.

Worthless.

And that’s why we accept crumbs.

YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS, JOY, LOVE – ALL OF IT

But we are inherently worthy. No matter what.

You get to shift from settling for the crumbs. You get to have the whole darn cake.

A survey of more than 3000 adolescent girls showed that 7 out of 10 of them believed that they were not good enough, that they were not measuring up in terms of their looks and appearance, in terms of how smart they were and their academic performance, and in terms of their personal relationships.

That same study showed that 75% of the girls with low self-esteem had engaged in activities like eating disorders, cutting, bullying, smoking, and drinking. These are adolescents.

So is it any wonder then that as women, we accept only the crumbs?

I want you to ask yourself: Where are you accepting crumbs in life?

Be honest. Look yourself in the mirror when nobody's around.

Sometimes I struggle with it. I recently bought a Louis Vuitton bag. I have coveted this bag for 10 years. I wanted it so badly. It started because I was in an airport and I saw a woman with this really cute bag and I wanted it. I would keep seeing that bag at the airport and I finally realized it was a Louis Vuitton bag. And then I said to myself, “Oh, then it's not for me.” I just made a declaration: That bag is not for me. Even though I had no idea what it cost. But because it was a luxury brand, my brain said I can't have that.

I did some deep work around it, and I realized that there was still a part of me that said, “I'm not worthy of being treated like a Queen.” I would tell myself that I don't need that bag! It’s RIDICULOUS!

It’s one thing if I couldn’t afford it, but I’ve worked hard to create my Purpose life so that I can. The problem was telling myself that I wasn’t WORTHY of what I wanted.

So when I planned The Women's Day Event – the world's largest Women's Day event for 2500 women, 25 speakers, and 12 hours of free content I decided I do deserve that bag. I did so much good!

But notice how I told myself that I was worthy because I DID something??

That’s a lack mentality. It’s still crumbs.

SAYING YES TO YOURSELF

Once I noticed it, I learned and shifted.

I used to think, “Maybe I shouldn’t go on a retreat or hire a coach because I should save that money for my son.”

Now I realize – I AM MY OWN BEST INVESTMENT.

When I’m lit up, I light up the world.

When I’m full and feel luscious, I’m so much more patient and giving with my family and clients.

When I feel abundant, I’m more generous with the world.

But when I’m in lack, I’m judgmental and short tempered.

When I eat only crumbs, I’m hangry and resentful!

And research proves that our emotions flow over to our kids and the rest of our life. This is why we know: When Mama’s happy, everyone is!

The more I fill up, the more I have to give from a place of JOY.

So accepting crumbs is actually the WORST thing for my family.

Treating yourself like a Queen is the BEST thing for them.

And for you.

Every time I invest in myself and give myself the whole damn cake (figuratively) I expand tenfold. I’m more creative and come up with new ideas for my business and the world. I sell more. I make more. I reach out to friends more and build more love. I act more loving to my husband. I expand and so does my world.

What would “the whole cake” look like to you? What have you been craving but saying no to? Travel? A new bag? A side hustle business? A retreat?

Goddess Getaway Italy is now open but half full, so spots are limited! Some women have told me they can’t afford it, but I've seen so often that it's not really that someone can't afford it because you could make payment plans and everything else. But maybe they don't think that they're worthy of spending on themselves.

Shift your own worthiness.

Because ultimately, the way you treat yourself is how your children will treat themselves or how your friends will treat themselves.

We inspire each other, we take each other higher. Sister, what this comes down to is, that instead of accepting crumbs, instead of feeling like you're not good enough, you get to eat the whole cake. You get to have everyone watch you eat it. You get to be under the lights and shine and under the stars.

You are worth it! My Goddess Getaways helps you claim your worthiness – you will heal, you will release old patterns of unworthiness, you will own your power and you will transform into your highest, biggest self.

Right now the doors are open to our Italy retreat August 21-25, where we will expand through all of our senses in our private Villa in Tuscany with our private pool and private chef. I will take you through deep exercises and you will find the best, most loving Sisterhood cheering you on. Plus, we will have so much fun with our cooking class and seeing ancient Tuscan towns and more!! Click here for info: www.CarinRockind.com/Italy

And soon we'll be opening our doors for Goddess Getaway Miami at the Versace Mansion! If you want to get on the early bird list for Miami, message the team at team@purposegirl.com.

XO,
Carin

Years ago, I had a client who had just gotten out of a relationship. Understandably, she was heartbroken and a little depressed. 

So we started talking about her “Joy Juice” – what makes her happy. It took a little bit of digging because when you're in that state, you might forget. 

But as we started to find her Joy Juice, for each thing, she would tell me why she couldn't do it. 

The first thing was hiking. She would light up talking about how much she loves the mountains and hiking. I said, “Great! When are you going hiking? She said, “Well, the problem with that is I can't go alone. I don't have a boyfriend anymore and something bad might happen to me.”

I asked her if someone else could go with her. “Well the problem is that I don’t have many friends.”

Ok, so we went back to her Joy Juice list. She said she really loved singing. Great! “Well, the problem with that is I don't belong to a choir.”  I said, “Okay, where can we find you a choir?” 

“Well the problem with that is I don’t belong to a church.”

And it went on and on like this. 

She would find something that makes her happy and then have many reasons why she couldn’t do it. 

Finally, I called her out on it and she laughed. 

She ended up joining a choir, making great friends, and as we got clear on her purpose, she was offered a new job by someone in the choir.

This is super common – not just for her, for all of us. 

Our brains are designed as survival mechanisms so they look out for potential threats to stay alive. 

So we immediately shut down all new ideas with the dreaded:

I can’t do that because… 

Turning I Can’t Around

What if instead of “I can’t do that because…” she said, “How can I?” 

What if she asked, “What is possible?”

About 10 years ago, I had a dream that I would spend my birthday in Paris. I was a new coach, just out of grad school, and I wasn't making a lot of money. But I thought, “How can I do this?” 

I looked at my airline miles and I was able to get a free flight. I went to Airbnb and there was this tiny 100 square feet apartment – with the toilet was across the hall!! (No joke.)

But I could afford it, so I booked it! I ate a $1 croissant for every breakfast and got a baguette and cheese for about $5 for lunch, or I found a cafe with a complete meal for $10. 

I asked how I could make it work and I went! 

I just had to do the “How can I?” trick last night. 

Last week, I announced my Goddess retreat in Italy and more than 30 women asked for information! Then one by one the majority said they couldn’t make the dates. 

I had a moment of thinking – oh no! This retreat can’t happen.

But I felt into my soul and absolutely KNEW that this retreat is meant to be.

I can feel the warm Tuscan Sun on my skin and our private pool at the end of the day. I can see us in circle, hugging and laughing and dancing. I can taste our cooking class and hear our deep transformative work with us all owning our worth loudly! I know this is meant to be.

So instead of listening to my Fear Brain tell me that it “can't” happen, I asked myself, “How can it?”

And it occurred to me: Women can’t make those dates. Maybe they could make it the week after. 

I felt embarrassed to tell the women who had already registered but rather than say, “I can’t admit to them that others didn’t sign up,” I decided this was a learning opportunity for us all and shared honestly. 

Then I emailed women who had said they couldn’t go about pushing it back a week and within 10 minutes, 4 said “I’m in!” 

So just like that, the retreat is now half full! 

How can I? 

They are powerful words. 

Another great example of going from I can’t to I can was during a Paris trip years ago. I saw this little boy with curly hair, wearing overalls toddling around my favorite street, Rue Montorgueil. I looked at this little French baby and I thought I want to live here with my baby one day. And Josh and I had just broken up, so it's not like I had anybody to have a baby with.

But last year just before my 47th birthday and the world was opening again, Josh suggested we go to Paris for my birthday and spend the month there. I got so excited. And then, of course, my fear brain kicked in saying, “We can't do that! COVID! No sitter! Blah, blah!”

We can't, we can't, we can't, we can't.

So I paused and asked what is possible.

As long as we have a place with Wi-Fi, I can see clients there on Zoom. With the time change, I’ll have my days to play and can coach at night. 

Then when I realized it was the Jewish holidays, I though we can't go. 

Then… how can I? Find a synagogue there! Duh! 

And as the universe always does, miracles started to happen. Josh got an email from our synagogue about a sister synagogue in Paris – I can't make this up! 

So Josh reached out and they immediately welcomed us to come for the holidays. 

It always works out that way. 

Say YES to yourself and the path opens.

So many of my clients will say that they desire something – it may be a new job, a new lover, a vacation, to quit their job and follow their passion…

But then they have a hundred reasons why they can’t.

So we brainstorm ideas on how they can. 

What little things can they do to move closer to their desire? How could they bring up these conversations in a way that everyone involved will also win? What is possible? 

Last story – I started holding retreats in Paris because years ago, I saw that my friend Paula was doing work in Paris. She had this gorgeous photoshoot by the Eiffel Tower, and I was so envious. I thought, “Why does she get to work in Paris? I want to work in Paris!”

And at the time, I hadn't held any retreats. I was just in front of my computer all day long. I was filled with so much jealousy and a little bit of victimhood that I didn't get to work in Paris.

And then I said to myself, “Wait a minute, this is showing me a desire. How can I?”

Well, I had a program called “This is 40,” and that program was ending, so I offered them a Paris retreat as their graduation and a few said yes!! And right then, Goddess Getaway – Paris was born.

I made it up. I asked how can I combine everything I love about Paris into the inspiration, the beauty, the self-love, the purpose? And it's now so incredible because I use the city as inspiration for my retreat.

Same as I will do in Italy!

Our Brains are Designed to Keep us Safe

Here's what we know about the brain. The brain has 600 billion neurons, and the way we learn is that those cells start to get wired together for anything that we think or we see. And the more you see something or the more you think something the more it gets wired. So the more you think, “I can't, because…” the more your brain gets wired that way. But when you learn to catch yourself, and start asking yourself, “How can I?” then that's how you start rewiring. 

Marilee Adams wrote a book called Change Your Questions, Change Your Life. And she talks about these two ways that we can go.

• Judger: I can't do this, because I can't do it. Because I don't have money. Boom, you shut the door on the idea. I can't leave my relationship because there are no other good people out there. Boom, you shut the door. I can't date online because people are creeps, boom, you shut the door. 
• Learner: Ask questions. How can I do this? What else might be true? What might I ask the universe to show me? 

When you truly decide, when you say, “YES, I CAN,” you will be so divinely supported you will wonder why you thought you couldn’t do it in the first place. 

The doors to the Italy retreat are open. And later this week, I will be announcing the annual Miami retreat happening in September so if you want in on either of those, email the team(at)purposegirl(dot)com. Hope to see you there!!

Motherhood did not come easily to me. Five years of infertility, two miscarriages, a year of IVF, a bazillion shots in my tush and side, and once I did get pregnant I was diagnosed with a life-threatening pregnancy condition that let him to nearly die at birth.

But I'd do it all over again for his giggle. It's so important for me to share so that every woman knows she's not alone on her journey. So for Mother's Day and in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, this is my fertility journey…

I knew I was meant to be a mom as a young child. I had it all planned out. I was going to have my first baby at 24 and my second at 27. At 22, I got married, and we moved into a new house at 24, but we were already fighting so much that we divorced at 26.

That divorce led me to pause and question everything: Who am I? What do I really want?

As my purpose of empowering women became clear, I was no longer sure I wanted kids. I just wanted to light women up.

Fast forward to meeting Josh and going on honeymoon to Italy. After a few glasses of wine and some really good calamari, I said “Oh let’s go for it” and we had unprotected s*x for the first time. We got pregnant.

I was so nervous, but also so excited. And then 8 weeks in, I started to bleed and had a miscarriage in the ER.

Losing that baby showed me that I really wanted to be a mom. 

Because we got pregnant so easily the first time, we figured we would easily get pregnant again. But a year later, we still weren’t pregnant.

So we went to a fertility doctor who told Josh he had the sperm of a 25-year-old, and then looked at me and said “you're old.” I was 41 at the time and felt defeated.

I decided that my body could do this, so I worked with a nutritionist yogini baby coach and changed my diet, did different divine feminine practices and sure enough, we got pregnant again! I was sure this was was meant to be.

But when we went for our 8 week scan, the doctor said the baby wasn’t growing. Another miscarriage. I was 43 and didn't want to live anymore.

As I healed, I kept saying to the Universe, “Show me what else I’m here to birth,” and an image came to me of women gathering in sisterhoods all over the globe. Women’s Happiness Day was born! One year after that miscarriage, on October 18, I held the very first Women’s Global Happiness Day with 99 events in 20 countries on 6 continents.

Turning that pain into purpose helped me heal.

Trying Again

Feeling better, I said to Josh, “let’s try again.” We found a new fertility doctor and began the process. We decided on using a donor egg, which means that another woman (typically in her 20s) donated her eggs for a mom like me to utilize to get pregnant. I was scared, but I was like, “Yes, this is it. I feel it. I know it.”

But then my doctor called me to deliver some bad news. He had done a blood panel on me that is called a recurrent miscarriage panel for people who have had multiple miscarriages, and said, “You have an autoimmune issue that is linked to miscarriages.” 

I started hyperventilating. I’ve never had an autoimmune issue, but my grandmother had three miscarriages, so it actually made a lot of sense. 

Fortunately, he had a protocol for it that he calls “The Kitchen Sink” – think lots of shots upon shots, lipid infusions for 3 hours at a time into my veins, and even more shots in my belly that hurt beyond beyond.

But we remained hopeful. We bought the donor eggs and all in, spent $40,000 on the process that was supposed to yield at least 3 healthy embryos, mixing the 26 year old’s donor eggs with Josh’s sperm, but after all of this heartache, we ended up with only ONE embryo. I was devastated.

At night, I would go into the baby's room, rock myself and cry. We had ONE chance and the chances of your first embryo working are only 65%.

We were financially strapped. We had just spent all this money on IVF. We were in debt because of a real estate deal that went awry. We had just found out that our chances of having a baby were almost zero.

I mean, we were devastated.

But I never give up. I’m resilient AF and I turn everything in life around.

I knew I needed to do something extraordinary. A huge experience that would jolt me into my power.

So I went to Burning Man. A massive festival of 80,000 in the desert of Nevada with no electricity and no money. Just a lot of freedom and healing. There, I said goodbye to my two Angel babies who had miscarried. I did a lot of personal work. I did a lot of spiritual connecting with the one embryo. I used all of the tools that I teach you to use.

I came home and I said, “Okay, I'm ready. Let's do this.”

And then, are you ready for this? Then my uterine lining wouldn't grow.

Week after week, month after month, we tried more and different shots. We tried more medication. We tried all that until my doctor one day said to me, “Maybe we should start looking at a surrogate.”

I have nothing against surrogates. I have a friend who had a baby via surrogate and it's such a beautiful, beautiful experience. But I had had a vision of me being pregnant in our home.

So I went online and I researched. I found ONE woman in Australia who had used Viagra (up her vagina) to grow her uterine lining, so I decided it was worth a shot.

My doctor said it had never worked for any of his patients, but he would give me a prescription if I wanted it. Boom. Five days later, my uterine lining grew to the thicknesses it needed to be!

I wanted to give this once embryo every shot of working, so it was time to bring in the Divine Femimine.

On the morning of my embryo transfer, I held a women's circle in the doctor’s office. Several girlfriends circled around me and Josh, reading poems and invocations that they had prepared to welcome baby. They threw rose petals on us and let the baby know that we all wanted him. And we danced our butts off in the fertility clinic. 

Then I was taken in for my transfer. And sure enough, baby boy stuck. And then I had never been, and I don't know if I've ever been, as happy as the day that we found out that we were pregnant, and that my levels were very good. 

Another Turn of Events

Because I suffer with anxiety, my OB let me have an extensive ultrasound at week 17. And that was when I was first diagnosed with a very, very, very rare condition called Vasa Previa, which is a leading cause of stillbirth, if not diagnosed early.

At this point, I’m like – are you kidding me? All that to have a baby and now he might die? Vasa Previa means there are a couple of baby's blood vessels floating outside of the umbilical cord, which is where the baby's blood vessels normally are. And if they break or rupture, baby only has 10 minutes to live. And the danger is if they are over your cervix, you can't have contractions because they might break the blood vessels.

You can't have sex because your body might have some convulsions that could break the blood vessels. You can’t exercise. And my doctor put me on a stool softener to ensure I didn't even strain to poo. 

Can you imagine after all that, then I am given what seemed like a death sentence for my baby? My precious baby who I worked so hard for. 

I was angry. I was devastated. I let myself scream and cry for a few days. And then I had to prepare for the biggest speech of my life: I was keynoting at Amazon’s International Women’s Day Conference.

That was when I decided that I am not letting my baby boy go. I researched everything I could. I read medical journals studies, I joined a Facebook group of other women who have this.

My high-risk OB (an old school white man) misdiagnosed the Vasa Previa as resolving, but because of my research, I knew better. I found another high-risk OB – a fabulous woman – and we created a plan of action. For the full story, listen to podcast episode 117: My Pregnancy Journey.

My fertility journey was not an easy journey. As you can see there were many times that I wanted to give up but I knew that my beautiful, sweet boy Shay was meant to be.  

Listen to Podcast Episode 121: My Birth Story…Baby Almost Didn’t Make It to hear the challenges of my birth journey in which my baby almost died. He is now a thriving almost 2-year-old. 

Motherhood isn’t easy. We have a lot of temper tantrums in our house. I’m learning boundaries and how to say “No.” But it’s all worth it for his giggle. For his hug. For him saying, “Mama”.

Sister, if you are going through your own fertility struggles, I want you to know, my heart is with you. You aren’t alone. I hope this gave you some hope and encouragement about defying the odds. I'd love to hear from you about your own journey, if you'd like to share.

With so much love,

Carin

Last week was a bit of a whirlwind. My husband, child, and nanny were all sick. And just when I announced that I hope the dog didn’t get sick, he got sick..on my beloved white rug! 

Then my team and I met for a mini business planning retreat, and we got so much clarity, inspiration, and momentum. 

And I got to record the 200th podcast episode with my beautiful BFF, Stacey Hoffer. We laughed, we cried, and we shared stories that you won’t hear anywhere else.

And then sadly, on Tuesday afternoon, I got the news that my sweet uncle passed so I flew to Detroit with my son for the funeral. But luckily I got to spend some precious, quality time with my parents despite all of the chaos! And while my son and I were away, my amazing husband did some major spring cleaning!

This is life. There are highs and lows. There are times when we hold both sadness and joy, excitement and grief. 

And the journey to 200 episodes and over 425,000 downloads has been similar. Don’t get me wrong: I LOVE interviewing, recording, and sharing information in this way. It's been such an honor to have so many dedicated listeners and I’m grateful for every listener.

But it’s also taken commitment, consistency, and showing up even when I didn’t want to. 

And I couldn’t have done this without the support of my husband, my parents, coaches, mentors, and sisterhood. 

Here are 3 big takeaways from the 200th episode.

1. Let your mission and vision drive you to show up, even when life feels messy and you would rather not show up. Because I feel called to this bigger mission. Like I truly, truly, truly want women to feel so good! It's my greatest, deepest desire. Perhaps other than that my son feels healthy and happy, my greatest desire is that every single woman truly loves herself, quirks and all, and goes after her dreams, so on the days I don’t want to show up, I remind myself of all of the women I'm here to serve. And when I'm 80, I want every woman to say “she changed my life.” And I want to be able to say, “I did it. I left no stone unturned, I sucked the marrow out of life, I squeezed the juice, I did it.” And when I don't go for it, I feel icky inside. So I also show up for me. Also, we need to shift how we view “showing up.” Sometimes, showing up means that things get pushed to the next day because we need to wrap ourselves up in a warm blanket and eat ice cream.
   
2. Prioritize pleasure when it comes to your purpose and passion. We live in a world of “shoulds.” We should be doing more, we should be making more money, we should be spending more time with our kids, and the list goes on. But this is where discernment comes in. We need to know the difference between what our soul needs and when our adorable little brains are in overdrive and wanting to take action out of anxiety. I call these two voices my Inner Goddess and my Nervous Nellie. They both want different things most of the time. My Inner Goddess wants me to take time out for pleasure, whether it be spending time on the beach with Pina Coladas or spending time at the park with my family. And Nervous Nellie wants to remind me of all of the things I could be doing: I could be creating more social media content, going live about my latest program, messaging my clients… The thing is that when I honor my Inner Goddess, I’m more energized, magnetic, and nourished, and I serve much better than if I'm feeling depleted. 
   
3. Say it, Sister: One of the big keys to happiness. Generally speaking, women have been taught not to do, speak, or act a certain way. There are so many topics and emotions that have been made to be wrong or taboo. On many of my retreats, we do a rage rave or emotional release session where we allow ourselves to express the anger that we've shoved down for decades. And I hear it all the time that girls were told they shouldn’t be angry or that it's unattractive. The thing is that those repressed emotions are expressed in other ways: They show up as resentment or bitterness. They're taken out on others, and in many cases, on ourselves. In my containers, I give you permission to show up as your whole self. Whether you're angry, sad, grieving, or joyful. It’s all welcome. And I invite you to give yourself permission to do the same for yourself. Allow yourself to have emotions and be human. 

There was so much juiciness throughout this episode and I invite you to listen to the full episode here. 

And then come back here to let me know in the comments what your biggest takeaway was!